Guess who’s back..back again?

Shady’s back, tell yo fraaansssss.

I took a brief hiatus from the dating app world because I thought I found a couple of winners. Boy, was I wrong.

Dude 1: Candelabra (name changed) was quite a cutie, who is a chef, liked to laugh and was a little charmer. I was like…ehhh wtf, let’s play. When we met, I had just started a new job  and a week in, was feeling a little stressed. We had planned to meet on a Thursday but Monday rolled around and I thought, let’s see if he might be down for a drink. HE WAS (YAASSS!). We chose a bar near me, Blue Line, and as soon as I walked in I knew he would be trouble…good or bad, that was still tbd.

As I sat down at the bar, I had noticed that there was a shot glass in front of him. I thought mayyybee it could be a leftover from the previous patron but my gut was telling me he needed it to calm him nerves. Whatever, sometimes I take a quick drink at home before a date. I looked past it and tried to find out more about him.

—-I should probably precursor this date a little bit, since we matched on Tinder, he could see our mutual friends. Homeboy is mutual friends with one of my closest friends’ sister, Furfur (name changed). I asked how they knew each other and he said they were “tight butthole” (whatever the fuck that means), and that they knew each other from way back. He apparently helped her purchase special beer for her boyfriend because the bf is a big craft beer fan. Candelabra also said he talked to Furfur on a regular basis. I immediately felt at ease because I knew I could ask my friend or Furfur about him later. We also had two other mutual friends, both sorority Sisters. This will be important later—-

As we sat there, all he kept talking about were the chefs and restaurant managers he was friends with. Impressive on a first date with me because let’s face it, I’M A FAT KID and food is definitely the way to my heart. After a couple of drinks, he took me to Furious Spoon where he knew the chef. We got some free noodles and ONE free beer (because he only got himself one), and then he ended up splitting it with me. I was kind of a bit weary at this point, don’t ask me why. Then we went to a couple more bars, drank, laughed, and got a littleeeee tipsy!

Then he walked me halfway home, and I jumped on him and kissed him. Kiss was meh, but that was fun. We ended up talking everyday for awhile until I asked him about Furfur again, and his story had changed. Now he had only met her once and they only talked a few times. Now, I bet you’re wondering if I asked Furfur about Candelabra.

 

Furfur said that he found her on LinkedIn, chatted on there a bit. She did ask him about beers for her boyfriend. He then friended her on Facebook and they have been friends ever since. They have NEVER met. She also says he has yellow fever….great. I hate that.

I confronted him again about it after hearing this side of the story and he changed his story a third time. “Oh yeah, we met on LinkedIn…or Facebook. I cant remember.” So of course I asked him how he knew my two Sorority Sisters. Apparently one, named Brown went to college with him (I don’t know if this is true or not, but Candelabra referenced her current boyfriend by full name, info that is not accessible on social media) and the other, named Shoey, said, “because he was mutual friends with Brown, I thought he was a friend of the sorority so I just accepted him. We’ve never talked, and never met.” When I asked Candelabra about Shoey, he said he met her on a college campus and they became friends……This is all getting really really shady.

On to date number 3: homeboy invited me over for some homecooked scallops. Score! I had just come over after a networking event where I was a liiitttllle drunk, and told him I was having fun with him (lies). He then started talking about eggs (because he couldn’t ever let the topic be about us or me), and how you’re supposed to add water to scrambled eggs if you want them fluffier. Cool story, bro. I already knew that. Upon me telling him that I knew about the fluffy egg trick, he grabbed a banana and said, “I know this is normally a 3 month salary but this is all I have….[got down on one knee] will you marry me?”

That’s a joke right? NOPE. He legit wanted to marry me. On numerous times (the month that we dated), he brought up marriage. Oh, and he offered me keys to his apartment. Dude, I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR MIDDLE NAME.

Part of me wishes this was just some made up story to entice you to come back and read about my satirical life, but this is real life folks.

I’m going to fast forward to three more important parts to why this wouldn’t have worked out. I realize that I should have run far, far away after the above happened but I am what you call an “emotional cutter,” where you enjoy opening emotional wounds to feel or deal with odd pain? I kind of like drama.

1/3: My birthday rolled around. I went out to dinner with my family and two of my best friends.Candelabra asked what time I was going to be done with dinner, and I said probably around 9-ish, but don’t wait for me. I will text you when I’m close to being done and we can meet up! No joke, 9:01p rolls around and homeboy is texting me asking where I am. DINNER, you douche. I wasn’t even looking at my phone, I was just enjoying my birthday dinner and then responded when I could. It turns out that he was waiting at a bar near my apartment for me. I finally stroll up to the bar at 10-10:15 and the first thing he says to me is, “there’s a group of bikers that wanted me to go with them but I said no because I said I would meet you here.” Joke? Nah. So I responded with, “you legit were considering leaving me for a group of bikers? Man, you should go then.” He laughed, and chucked…nah, I choose you. He was kind of drunk. So again, I asked him how he knew Shoey, and he finally said, he saw her on campus once, memorized her face and found her on Facebook (creepyyy). I was done, if he lies about how he knows people…what the hell else is he lying about? I walked outside, said I couldn’t do this anymore and walked away. About 3 minutes later, I hear heavyyyyy footsteps. Ugh, what?

2/3: He ran up to me with clunky, dramatic footsteps and out of breath said…”I….never…run…after….any….one.” Apparently you never run, at all. You’re out of breath with a 20 meter run…good lawd. “Can…we…please…..gasp…make…this…work. I just…..want…one….more…chance.” UGH, FINE. ONE MORE CHANCE. The next morning, I told him to leave and never talked to him again.

3/3: Sex. Yes, we had it…sort of. We were laying in his bed, and things started to get a little heated. We finally go to have sex, insert dick, and he just stopped. Started looking around and then laid on top of me. I asked if he came, and he said no. Then he pulled out, walked away…and I was like…WTF. That’s gotta make you feel insecure right? Apparently, he was thinking about his DUI while we were having sex.

There’s so many more stories, but I think this sufficiently explains why I decided to be get off the apps and be single for awhile.

Next up: Dude 2.

Stay tuned, dudes and dudettes ❤

Ketchup

Playing catch up, I’m so sorry I haven’t been posting.

+ Texas boy, Harding  and I have a nice long date in February when I head to Austin for one of my good friend’s birthdays. I’m curious to see how this turns out. We don’t chat nearly as often as we used to.

+ Chuck, yes…this mudderfudder still exists. We had some boring sex a couple of weeks ago and just two days ago, this bike ride-loving man got nailed by a woman’s car door. I randomly ran into him on the street yesterday and saw his zombie apocalypse leg. I freaking got butterflies….WHY CAN’T I GET OVER HIM. Someone smack me please.

+ New boy, Robinson has been peaking my interest lately. About a month ago, we went on our first date: coffee at Bowtruss. First off, Bowtruss is amazeballs. I was so impressed with their cold press and Ethopian blend. Our first date was good, I was on my way into work and only had about an hour and a half with him. We chatted about lots of topics and laughed. It was good. He is WAY cuter in person than in his Tinder photos.

2nd date: We met up at a beer festival and then went kareoking. He grabbed my hand to hold and we invited this old couple to hang out with us. Too bad that couple dipped on us hahahaha! They did ask if he was my husband, which was weird but kind of cute?

3rd date: I was told recently that my job most likely will be non-existent next year…so I decided that I wanted to go out and drink. He was so sweet and asked if I wanted to go have some drinks with him. We went to a bar with darts and played for shots. He sharked me twice but it was so much fun! Then he took out money to buy me a taco and rice and then I walked home. It was really nice that he took care of me like that.

4th date: I cancelled because I got really sick. We were supposed to go to Kuma’s and then to Galway Bay, which would have been a really fun night but I wasn’t feeling hot. He was graciously understanding and allowed me to be sick 🙂 He even said he would bring me some soup.

Real 4th date: White Sox game (boo). We got dinner first, chatted and then got into really deep conversation on our way to the sox game. It was crazy but we opened up about our sexual preferences and our families and history. It was weird because I felt comfortable talking to him, like he wasn’t going to judge me. We brought up relationship stuff, and here’s the thing — I hate who I have become when jumping into a relationship: insecure, worrisome, anxious, like I have something to lose already. I love who I am now — carefree, happy, and fun. I don’t want that to change. I know, I know, I have the power to step back and change those aspects of me…butttttttt, waaaaa…I’ve been hurt a lot and I allow it to keep happening.

Back to sexual preferences as well, this boy decided to tell me how much he likes BDSM and how he is a huge freak. He likes to use belts, and be choked, and grab girls by the waist and flip them around. I’m kind of scared to sleep with him…

Here’s the ironic catch to it all, I think he’s a little boring and his kisses aren’t very passionate. Maybe he’s just holding back but how do you even begin to have that conversation?

I guess we will see what happens.

Gosh, now I feel like I’m getting boring. The details aren’t really there, are they?

No manners

I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping up with my dates. I haven’t been actively dating as much because of this detox!

Update 1: I was supposed to have a date with this gal named Wendy (real name). I met her through Happn, and she’s a cute girl who just graduated and wants to move into psychology and currently works as a waitress at Sunda. She was unapologetically communicative, I liked that about her. We met on a Thursday and she was travelling to San Francisco for the weekend. While she was away, I received plenty of texts about her trip, almost missing her flight, working at Sunda, living in the burbs, her full name (to find her on the Facebookers)…I think she was pretty serious.

However, there were two tiny things about her that kept popping back up as red flags. (A) I really wasn’t thaaaat attracted to her. (B) she consistently used ellipses (…) instead of just ending her thought with a period and a space, or a comma.

I had addressed the ellipses a couple of times and she would just avoid the question. The third time, I said, “can you explain this obsession with using the ellipsis?” She repsonded, “ellipsis?” (ok..seriously, GOOGLE IT if you don’t know. I thought you were educated.) So I kindly respond, “….” She still didn’t get it.

We progressed in conversation, and then I had to ask again. I mean, it was getting that bad. I finally explained what it was to her (while she finally Google’d it) and she said, “turn off lol?” my response: “kind of. I just think it’s super unnecessary.”

…and fin.

Update 2: No manners Matt (name changed). Matt and I originally met on Happn, chatted for probably two months between Happn and texting. Then that sort of fell off the wagon. No big. Then, I saw him on OKC and just had to say hello (no other intentions but to say hello). He quickly responded and we started chatting again. He asked when I was free to hang out, and I told him all about my detox diet, which equates to no drinking or eating. I would be happy to hang out wherever, but I didn’t want it to seem weird when I wasn’t ordering my typical Ketel soda with a lime. To my surprise, he was ok with it! Grrreaaaaat!

We had planned to get together a couple of times but things kept coming up: being out of the city, parents, pets, etc. I wasn’t too upset about it. Finally, a couple of Sundays ago he asked when I was free. I mentioned that I was free on Wednesday and he planned a mini golf outing for us 🙂 He picked me up and drove out to Norridge to an indoor, glow-in-the-dark mini golf center. It was a ton of fun! When he dropped me back home, I awkwardly got out of the car after side hugging him and said, I will talk to you soon.

We had snapchatted a lot more during the week and finally I asked him if we was free on Labor Day Monday. He said he was working but we could hang out afterwards. Since I am not drinking, coming up with date ideas has been more interesting 🙂 I asked if he might be down for board games in the park. The date was set!

On Monday, I asked if he wanted me to make him dinner because I had to meal prep for myself and eat during our date. I didn’t want him to feel left out or awkward. He said, sure! So I made him a porkchop with caramelized apples & onions along with red-skinned, whipped potatoes and sauteed kale.  He said he didn’t like potatoes….wtf. Who doesn’t like potatoes?! and that the apples tasted weird. Then he goes, “oh I’m picky.” WHY THE HELL DID YOU NOT SAY SOMETHING EARLIER! I busted my ass for that meal after being in the kitchen for 8 hours meal prepping (insert misogynistic joke here). We played some games and he said he had to leave because of an early work day. After packing up, he walked me back and kissed me.

A. awful kiss.
B. he saw that I was carrying two bags full of stuff and didn’t offer to help.
C. he never said thank you for the meal, or setting up the date.

Soooo long story short, that’s over.

Update 3 Harding (from Tejas) and I still talk some. I really enjoy talking to him. I don’t know why I get along so well with people outside of Chicago/Illinois. Later this week, I’m going to tell you all about Canada.

New Adventure

I’m embarking on a new life adventure today.

My friend Emily and I are starting the Beachbody Ultimate Reset, which is going to restart our bodies and clean us out. We are both pretty excited, but for the next three weeks my dating, social and work life is going to drastically alter. Since I work in special events, I am always going to networking or industry events which always  = food, booze and schmooze. I will not be able to partake in any of the food & booze, and I don’t have a strong enough will power to say no if it’s in front of me.

I am interested to see how this changes my dating life. So far, one guy Jordan, has made light of the situation and asked if I was going to take advantage of him because he would be drinking and I wouldn’t have any liquor in me.

I guess we will see what happens 🙂

Cross state lines

Happy Monday loves ❤

This past weekend I visited two dear friends in Houston. This trip has been planned for about 3 months and I had a wonderful time. I even went on a triple date on Saturday night!

Back story: About a month ago on Tinder, I was swiping right to everyone (thanks to my roommate’s grand idea) just to see who I got and then weeding it down from there. One guy, Harding (name changed) had started chatting with me. He isn’t particularly drop dead gorgeous, but he was actually really interesting to talk to. Turns out we had a lot in common with Disney, discussing feminism, Harry Potter, food and booze, so yay! After a bit of deeper conversation, he is from Austin, TX and was in Chicago to see friends. We tried to meet up once near my apartment but I ended up falling asleep.

Anyway, we kept texting after he left Chicago and I told him that I would be in Houston in August. Not looking at a map, or knowing how far Austin was he gave me suggestions on places to see. Then later, he asked if I had wanted to get dinner on Saturday night because he was going to be out in my direction any way. That’s sweet but I was only in town for two nights…and I wasn’t sure what my friends had planned. I asked them if they might be down for a double date? They said, of course! We would go get Mexican food then head over to Top Golf. Perfect. I told Harding and he was excited about it.

Finally, we solidified plans and he was going to be about 20 minutes late since his cousin lived farther away than he thought. Turns out, homeboy drove almost 3 hours just to see me (I didn’t know this until the end of the night). Back to the date night.

Saturday rolls around and I confirmed plans with Harding regarding timing and places. He said he would text if he was running late, perfect. My friends and I went out for a delicious brunch and bloody mary’s. Then we went to this fancy outdoor mall and walked around for a bit. Finally, we went home and watched a movie. I ended up taking a quick cat nap and then waking up to learn how to use a golf club (I’ve never been and my buddy didn’t want me looking too foolish). I quickly got ready and we headed to the Mexican restaurant. My friends had some of their friends meet us as well. I told him to text me when he got here so I could meet him outside prior to introducing him to the troops. He walks in and is a little sweaty, I totally forgot that he rode his motorcycle all the way…shiz. However, he is a lot cuter in person….even though his chops were Wolverine style.

After introductions, we sat down and started chatting. I instantly felt a connection with him but was nervous and did my ‘look away, don’t maintain eye contact’ gig. We ate food (my taco’s were nasty…lame) then drove over to Top Golf. It was over a 2-hour wait, so we ended up going to a bar called Bareback. They had an open concept with picnic tables and TONS of lawn games. I was in love. They had bags, giant beer pong sans beer, horseshoes, shuffleboard, giant Jenga and darts. As we walked up to the bar, he asked if he could buy me a drink. Que cute!

We sat down and waited patiently to play bags. Since we had to win the board back, I just sat next to him and we chatted. We just had good conversation, it made me smile. Then we played bags and dominated 😀 He said I was hot for scoring most of the points. Hah, it’s my gameeeee.

Then we moved over to play giant Jenga and started some interesting bets. I ended up having to grab his ass and doing the chicken dance. We laughed a lot, which I enjoyed. Then we moved away from the group and just sat to talk. After awhile, our friends came back over and we started playing a small bout of footsie. How high school, but I didn’t mind. Finally, the boys went to close their tabs and my friend asked, “sooooo what’s next?” I said, I feel really bad if he has to drive back to Austin which is 3 hours away and it’s late. I like him, but I don’t want to do anything with him. She said, he’s a big boy…don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. We walked outside, and towards his bike while my friends walked away. He asked what my next plan was, and I said I was going to go back with my friends because all my stuff is there and I had an early flight to catch the next day. He then walked in to kiss me and held me so tight. It felt good to be wanted like that, no implications of sex just a really good kiss.

I texted him on my way back to my friends house saying, you’re a really good kisser. He responded and said I could kiss you until the sun rises. Then he texted me when he got home and said he was still thinking about kissing me. I woke up through the night and kept thinking of him. I texted him and said, I hope you had a good time. Talk to you in the morning. Then I didn’t hear from him allll day. I texted him when I got back to Chicago around 3:30pm, and asked him if he was still sleeping? He said no, I’ve been playing games and doing laundry all day. That bummed me out. I didn’t hear anything more all day, and I wished him a good night. Then this morning, he just said, “I hope you had fun in Houston.”

…so did he want sex? I’m so confused. I thought there was more connection than that. I mean, I know he lives over 900 miles away and if anything moved beyond the point we are at now, it could get complicated. I guess I’m not one to push away opportunities for relationships because who knows what could happen? I never want to say, I wish I did _____.

Being the crazy girl that I am, I want to ask him wtf happened? Is that not ok? I’m really bad at this dating thing.

I just gotta shake it off.

Friend Friday

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a friend post on here, but one of my good girlfriends, Sheri had a pretty funny interaction on OkCupid.

Back story, Sheri is a confident as hell B who knows what she wants and knows how to work it on the dance floor. Basically she could have anyone she wanted (watch out!). Just jumping back on the OKC wagon, she has been getting a lot of inquiries about sex. After getting tired of the same questions about doin the dirty, she chose to have fun with one fella. Here is their conversation below (I would recommend peeing before you continue reading):

I told you so. I take no responsibility for needing new undies.

Chucking Chuck

Whenever I get drunk, I find myself lusting after Chuck . 

Pros:
Funny, can be a gentleman, good in bed, hot ass arms, bubble butt, nerdy, can hold his drinks, and thinks I’m funny and attractive. Oh and I like that he pays for my drinks.

Cons:
Never calls or texts back (but checks my snapchats), non-committal, ran away from me one date and ditched me another, drinks a TON.

Welp, last Thursday I just Snapchatted him and asked if he wanted to get a drink? He said sure! (Whoa.) This is after 2 months of me asking to hang out and never getting a response. Then I started to get hesitant….why now? Wtf. I went anyway but was casually late. He texted asking where I was, that was nice. Then he paid for my drinks. We had a good time laughing and I busted out my feisty side because 1. I’m annoyed that I still have feelings for him and 2. he’s a dick that deserves it. He called me out, but I kept on. When we were sitting inside the bar, he would touch my leg and rub my back. I didn’t give in, I just let him but didn’t reciprocate. Finally, we went outside for a smoke and got to talking. He told me he was in a six year relationship with a crazy Asian broad who lied to his family about him hitting her and stuff…woof. I couldn’t believe he was in a six year relationship, he’s terrible at this game. I jokingly asked if that’s why he avoids me and he says, yeah I’m scared. Truth be told, he still checks up on her. I’m pretty sure she is the love of his life. As we were talking about crazy Asian’s new marriage, he pulled me in for a kiss. Fuuugggg, I forgot how good of a kisser he is. That’s all it took, I was smitten again. When we went back inside I was scratching his head, and rubbing his back. Ugh, writing this makes me want to vomit a little. He finally said, do you want to go back to your place or mine? I said probably his because my roommate was home (side note, I wore matching panties and bra :)) He ordered me an Uber and rode his bike back. Since I beat him back, I just sat outside of his place and waited for him to arrive. He held his hand out and picked me up. We got back up to his place and sat on his couch to watch Louis CK. Of course we started kissing and one thing led to another, and well…I’ll let your imagination take the next steps. However….I was severely let down. What happened? Was it him or me? Waaaa.

He was getting hungry and decided to ride down to the taco place to get us some food. I accidentally passed out on the couch and missed his cute text of “I just ordered the food, I’ll be back soon.” He came back, we maxed out on Mexican food and then went to bed. Hello round 2 – let’s see if we can do this again.

NOPE. This time, it hurt like a b. He gave zero facks about me too. I kept saying “be nice,” or “slow down,” and he just kept going like Seabiscuit. I finally gave up because I was in so much pain and went to get my clothes. He asked me to stay but I said I can’t…it’s 4am and I need to sleep and work out in the morning. I took an Uber home, showered and PTFO.

The next day I texted him asking if we could try again and he said something along the lines of “why?” I said because it hurt and I want good sex. We chatted for a bit more and then he dropped the ol “I gotta get back to work” line. BS, but alright.

This past weekend, my family and I went to the Wisconsin Dells for a quick little family vacation. One night, my sister and I caught part of He’s Just Not that Into You  and that’s is when it hit me….HE’S NOT INTO ME. When we first started talking, he would text consistently and let me know he was disappearing for a bit, or heading back to work and now I’m lucky if I hear anything back. That was it, I’m CHUCKING CHUCK.

Untill….Sunday. We went to the Timbavati Park to check out the petting zoo and the cool animals. I went Snapchat crazy and I won’t lie, I was on my Snapchat game. Chuck thought I was being hilarious so he was watching all my snaps and responding to me. WTF.

So when I got home Sunday night, I texted him asking him to come over. My roommate wasn’t home and I wanted to hang (-h + b). Par for the course, no response. So I sent out more snaps, purposely including him, and I saw him open them.

I really need to get rid of him. Is it that I can’t figure him out so I feel the need to? Or whaaaaatttt is it..keep in mind there are boys that do like me and want to talk but I’m bored or over it. Maybe I just like a little bit of drama? -__- I need to remind myself, that he will never be that person for me. He will never love me or care for me the way I need him to. He doesn’t want to be that person for me so why am I allowing him to feel more important than he deserves.

Pay/Half

Let me introduce you to Harold (name changed):
– Doctor, an anesthesiologist in particular
– Cute face, fit body, slim legs
– Great taste in food and booze
– Overly communicative (I love that!)
– A Cardinals Fan…boo.

We started chatting on Tinder about two weeks ago, and he was super sweet, checking in with me in the mornings, asking about my days, saying good night. I was pretty excited when he asked if I wanted to get sushi with him as I’ve never been asked to get dinner with anyone from these apps yet and he seemed like such a gent. Plus, I love sushi, so hellllll yes!

He even asked what kind of alcohol I would like to have with sushi since the place is BYOB. Sake! Shortly after planning our date, he asked for my number to text. Since we were about a week out from our date, I thought it would be beneficial to keep up with him because obviously that didn’t work out last time…Pickles. He went to Michigan this past weekend and texted me photos of the engagement party he was at, and asked about my weekend at home with friends and family. I was super excited and nervous for the date because no one has been a gentleman like this (yeah, I said that already so I’m obvi stoked about him having his dating game together).

Finally, the date. All day, he was checking in with me to make sure I would make it on time to the date (I went out for a birthday drink with a girlfriend before), and then texted me when he was leaving and checking into the restaurant. Great! I dressed up in a cute maxi and put my best foot forward. I showed up to the date and he was wearing a skin-matching brown tee, jeans and Haviana’s flip flops….alright guess he didn’t put his best foot forward. Not a deal breaker. We awkwardly hugged, said hi, and sat down for dinner. He brought a bottle of cold sake, which is super refreshing. I was pumped for dinner because I didn’t have to hide my adventurous palate from him, so I ordered all my sushi faves and chowed the hell down. Nom nom nom 🙂

As the dinner went on, I noticed his mannerisms starting to change. Was he getting comfortable and letting his quirks out? Nope, he was getting drunk. I can definitely hold my own when it comes to booze, so I was doing just fine but slowly watched him go down slowly. It was kind of entertaining. Shortly after dinner, he asked for the check and then waited for me to grab the check. I pulled my card out and asked him if he wanted to split it. He says, “yeah, of course!” Oh, alright. (Now, I’m all for feminist equality and new dating rules but he did ask me out). Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to get out of the restaurant. Yeah, let’s go to a bar or a place where we can play games, something fun! He ended up driving back to his place………cool story, bro. Dealbreaker: he was definitely drinking then driving, not cool.
His opening line while almost back at his place: I have champagne back at my place. We can crack that open.
Me: I hate champagne
Him: Oh did I say champagne, I meant sparkling wine.
Me: You know those are basically the same thing, right? Sparkling wine is champagne that is not from Champagne, France.
Him: Well I have Ketel One.
Me: Oh, alright!

We get back to his place, it’s prettyyy nice. I start exploring on my own as he is pouring drinks, what can I say – I’m nosy. 3 bed, 3 bath. New kitchen, decent closet space, in-unit laundry….I think I should go into real estate in my next life. As I walk back to the kitchen to check on our bartender, I see him pulling out the Ketel. (Minor backstory, during our texting the week prior he asked what my favorite drink is. I said Ketel and soda with a lime. Apparently, that’s his jam too. Cool!) As he pours the Ketel into a glass, he says he never has soda in his place so he has this Peach-Pear LaCroix….I’m a brat, but I really dislike sweet things, and who the hell doesn’t offers a person’s favorite drink but doesn’t actually have it? Ugh, I was starting to get annoyed. Then, he says he’s going to take me on a tour of his place. Yay! As we start to walk back, we walk into his room first, I take a gander in his bathroom then walk out to watch him closing his bedroom door. Welp, I already decided before this date started that nothing was going to happen…so good luck buddy! He turns on music and I take a nice little seat in his computer chair. He sits across from me in his other computer chair and we just start chatting about nothing. Then he grabs my drink, sets it down on his desk and goes in for the kiss. Sloppy, pecker tongue kiss. All I kept thinking is, well you will never turn me on.

I pulled back, asked for my drink back and we sat in silence for about two minutes when he did it again. This time, he pried my legs open so he could get closer…boner city (see gif above). Then he proceeds to take my left leg and awkwardly lift is over his. I kissed him one last time and said, “I think you’re asking for more than I’m offering.” His response, “Wellllll…all these ‘moments’ or photos, whatever they are called, you put on Tinder suggest otherwise!”

Let me tell you, THE ONLY PHOTOS I ever put on my Tinder moments are clean. They are all of my face/neck. Not suggestive just an, ‘oh hello! I’m not a catfish.’ What a dickhead.

Then he proceeds to back off with this standoffish attitude. I said, “I’ll let you go to bed. I know you have to get up early.” He half smiled and said, “yeah I do.” Then he hops into his bed. There I am, awkwardly sitting with my back facing him in the computer chair. Ballsy, but he says, “come lay with me, we don’t have to do anything.” I respond with, “you’re little leg action would suggest otherwise.” I got up to pee and then just walked out. W.T.F.

Best part, he text messages me 5 minutes later and says, “oh did you leave? have a good night.” How the hell are you going to act like that, then have me to pay for half of the meal, and then ask for sex? Entitled ass mudderfudder.

Updates

In case you were wondering where I stand with all the above dates:

Chuck is still in my phone, we text maybe once a week just to see what the other is up to. Boring.

Cute Groomsman The bride wrote me this amazing thank you email and said she was excited that I was dancing with one of the groomsmen. I told her that he disappeared after the wedding and she said, ohhh I’m not sure what happened. Meh.

Pickle We are still matched on Tinder, so I see his ‘moments’ which are like snapchats for Tinder. He took a photo of himself half naked and I was surprised at how good he looked under clothes.

Bono yeah, that shiz ended real quick.

Bill I stopped texting him for a few days and his first text to me “Ok really? What did I do?” I told him he was super full of himself and I felt like I would never be as important as he is to himself. He responded with, “is it bad that I think I’m good-looking and love my body?” I said no, but you’ve never told me that I’m good looking. Then he started talking about vacuuming….so there’s that. I still think he’s super hot.

Nixon I asked the groom for his number because I wanted to apologize, but the groom didn’t give it to me. I’m not sure what went down, but oops. I still feel kind of bad.

Cuban Nuffin Muffin.

Willy I accidentally got drunk and stood him up the other night. He called me yesterday to see what happened. SO serious….he still wants to hang out but I’m not sure I’m feeling it anymore.

Did I get hot? Maybe, but I haven’t heard from any of those boys since.

—-

Get a load of this guy: This guy named John (real name) hit me up on OkCupid. He’s a pretty good looking red-head who has a nice body. Here’s the thing, he knows it. We chatted for a bit on OKC and he quickly asked if we could Snapchat instead because he doesn’t use the OKC app as much. Sure, I could do that.

He sent a couple photos of himself, normal selfies. Then all of a sudden it’s him in the shower, at the gym, and they are getting obnoxious. So I joke around asking, selfie much? He got ALL DEFENSIVE like I called him fat or something. Like a broken record, he kept stating: “this weeds out the prudes and the people who don’t like to have fun.” Oh..ok…whatever.

THEN this dick proceeds to say “So are all Asians as prude as they seem?”

…Are you f&%^ing kidding me? Who the hell deemed you the king of defining what prude means, and how dare you generalize all Asians. You know nothing about me but think it appropriate to ask me that question as if I will succumb to your male chauvinistic attitude. My friend Annie (name changed) put it best: One: he will not be finding out any time soon. Two: the Kama Sutra is Asian. So, no. Three: creepers like him should be branded so the rest of us will know him before trying to talk to him.

His snapchat: LJohnL — branded.

Did I get hot?

I’m not sure what changed over the course of this past month, but I literally NEVER get hit on unless it’s by old men (like older than 50), or bigger black men. Since I’ve been able to go out, I would always head to the bars/clubs/what-have-you trying to look cuter than my hot friends so that I could try and compete for some attention…All I’m asking for is just ONE person. Every night…nothing.

This past weekend, the tables turned a bit 🙂

Back story: two of my good girl friends flew into town to spend the weekend with me. They came in Thursday night and left eaaarllyy Monday morning. As a planner, I coordinated all details of the weekend to make sure we were able to make the most of Chicago in their short four day trip. Friday night, we went to see We Gotta Bingo at Chicago Theater Works. The show is cute, you should check it out…we fell in love with Stephen. The show got out around 9:30p so, we decided to head over to Boystown for a drink. Since they are both very, very straight women, Wrigleyville was a bit better for “eye-candy.” (Hey…they are from out of town, take your judgy eyes away!) While in Wrigley – my adorable, blonde, married, best friend gets hit on immediately. Not surprised, and slightly jealous. We bar hopped a bit down Clark St, then went home for tacos.

Saturday night – we went out in my hood. I threw on a cute skirt and a tank. Oh, and my amazing fanny pack (it’s way easier to dance and keep track of your belongings that way…well most of them…I did get my phone stolen.) I was SUPER ready to disco the night away. We pre-gamed at my apartment then walked over to Crocodile. That place was pretty dead, but I know they play decent music. We planned to stay for a couple of drinks before heading to Debonair Social Club. The music was great, and they offer a free pizza for every drink your purchase, WIN! Almost immediately after settling at a highboy, this tall, hunky boy came up to me. He was really cute, but seemed dumb as rocks. I loved that he was a bit buff and had large hands. One of his friends pulled our table over and said we should join them. Hunky boy said it was his birthday and he was waiting for the basement to open (yeah, I didn’t know about the basement either…check it out if you love the hippity hop). He kept walking between us and his friends and would grab my waist or do something flirty. Alright, nothing major but I loved the attention. Then this other guy, in an ugly plaid shirt, came over and said, “you are the hottest girl in here.” uhm, WHAT IS GOING ON?! Is there some joke or bet I am unaware of?

We finally headed down to the basement to check it out and as we were walking down, some guy grabbed my arm to start dancing with me. He said he saw me upstairs and wanted to dance. Mmz mmz! I danced for a bit, gave him my number and went to go dance with my girls. I also ran into a friend of my sister’s there, who gave us free shots and drinks. Woohoo! After awhile, I went to go dance more and hunky boy came back over and grabbed me and kissed me. It would have been an amazing kiss if he didn’t taste like slimy vegas bombs..woof.

After a little bit of beer dropping and phone missing drama, we decided it was time to move on. As we danced up the street to Debonair, there was this cute, tattooed boy standing outside. I coyly smiled at him and he immediately grabbed my arm and pulled me inside for a drink. Somehow I ended up paying for a drink and two shots…meh. We danced and kissed, which was fun but I think he had some weird mouth twitch. I was too drunk to completely notice, or I may have made that mouth twitch up? In any case, he was VERY cute in the dark and in the light. I think I gave him my number too.

But seriously, four guys in one night? Is that how all cute/hot/pretty girls feel all the time?

Update on Willy, he kept calling and texting me to hang out this past weekend. Kind of creeped out, but I think he may have decent intentions? Or he wants to kill me. Who knows.

..and for those of you who have kept up, of course I texted Chuck too.