Are we matching?

There’s a reason why you unmatch some people, but when you’ve been doing this game for as long as I have. Some people just come back around…and you re-match them.

One guy came across my Tinder recently, and he “Super-Liked” me. For those of you who didn’t get the pleasure of experiencing Tinder – that means that I can see right away that he liked me. A feature which normally doesn’t exist in the un-paid version. I recognized him, he’s still very attractive, so I liked him back. Pretty much immediately, we started chatting and being the forward person that I am – I asked if he had matched before? He responded with, “I’m so glad you said something because I didn’t want to be that creep.” We started catching up, and as that was happening, I got a pit in my stomach…there was something very specific that made me uncomfortable about him last time…but what was it?

Ah yes, he tried to corner me the last time we went on a date..in a scary, aggressive sort of way and once I was able to get free. I fled.

Mind you, as all this is happening internally – he’s just listing off all this qualities: he works for Instacart as a shopper, he owns a condo now, he hasn’t had sex in awhile because he “respects women.”

I simply unmatched him, but that didn’t stop him my magically finding  my number that he saved after 3 years.

Be safe out there, rematchers. And don’t be afraid to block or report people if you truly feel unsafe.

ICYMI

Tinder is allowing you to search any location in the world until April 30th. I’m swipe, swipe, swipin Down Unda

Whoaaaaa, International Love

It’s a Small World, after all..

I was introduced to the game “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” back in Junior High (eons ago), and was always thoroughly impressed when someone could name a random actor and tie them back to Kevin Bacon in less than six connections. Little did I know that game can be played with everyone, including me.

Foster (name changed) is a dude I find very attractive. He’s got that buzzcut, stocky build, blue eyes, cute smile thing going for him. We have matched a few times on a couple of the different dating apps over the course of time and each time we match, I always think “well shoot, why did we unmatch in the first place?” Then I am quickly reminded why.

Unsolicited Dick Pics.

and it doesn’t just end there. He’s a dirty boy who’s very vocal about what he wants in bed, where he wants me to be, what he wants me to touch, and how. Normally, I’m not as prudish to completely shut it down – but it bordered the line, especially coming from someone I never met.

Fast Forward to my day job, where I also volunteer to be on the Board of Directors for an industry organization. One large event get’s hosted by our organization every year and I have been at the helm of it for two years in a row. Our first year, we really wanted to blow it out with the best AV, large screens, interactive entertainment, and of course, really cool name tags.

I was put in touch with a local company who creates unique, well printed, durable name tags and was interested in being a sponsor pending that their name get recognition all over our event. That’s a no-brainer! I set up a call with my main contact and we had a great time: shooting the shit, getting information down, understanding their creative process, etc. He was great! We went back and forth via email and phone for about a month and he said that he would personally be delivering the name tags on the day of the event – I was excited to meet him!

Until I see him walking through security, and a sudden familiar PANG hit my belly. I knoooowww this guy but from where? He looks so familiar, and he’s kinda cute…NOOOOOOOO…dick pic guy. I get so embarrassed that I had to walk away during the delivery to recompose myself. I see what he’s about done when I saunter up to introduce myself and we pretend like we don’t know each other at all. Of course, I told some of my team the story and we laaaaugh and I cry a little.

If you’ve been following along, you know that I am an emotional cutter. So the next day, following the event, I email Foster saying thank you! The name tags were a hit, and we hope that we can count on him to sponsor next year! And then I ended it with “You seem so familiar to me, have we met before?” To which he responds, “yes, online.”

Hehe, what a weird situation for the both of us.

The end of the story is actually happy:  we texted a bit after the email exchange, and 3 years later – we’re actually friends now. Even though he has a girlfriend now, he only sends me scandalous texts twice a year, to which I always remind him that  he’s being inappropriate…

What a twist of 1 degree of separation/Kevin Bacon. Have you had any stories like that?

Baby Daddy

Quick little story:

Just before the holidays, a friend of mine was having a birthday party at her new condo in Lincoln Square. I showed up late (per usual) and quickly said hi to some gal pals in the front room while I went to find the birthday girl, Romaine (Name Changed). Once I came back to the front room with some Rose, one of the gal pals asked, “do you recognize anyone else in that room?” I sat in shock for a moment because I have been more forgetful of people’s faces lately and felt like a complete asshole for not remembering someone in the room. It was a guy named Braun (Name Changed).

Turns out, I didn’t actually know Braun. He was an old neighbor of Romaine, and had swiped right on me. I had a photo of Romaine and myself included, and since he recognized her, he smartly asked her about me. Romaine said all the lovely things that friends say, and I guess he was interested. Once I realized who he was, I scoped him out a little differently and was looooookin. Overall a little skinny but strong, and he definitely has manners.

Later that evening, I texted Romaine saying “if Braun is still interested – feel free to give him my number!” I mean, what did I have to lose?  Nothing happened, so I assumed he was no longer interested or that Romaine forgot to pass on my info. In either case – no biggie!

UNTIL, a bomb dropped recently

So the night of Romaine’s birthday, Braun had dropped a bomb that he heard from a girl he randomly hooked up with a few months ago just told him that she’s pregnant and is keeping the baby. She is also moving to Chicago to try and be a family.

Kudos to both of them for this next chapter, but I’m goooood.

Can I get come Lyme with that Corona(virus)?

Yo girl is still single, and rreeaaaadddyy to mingle. Dating in light of all this coronavirus is actually an interesting point of view because people are taking the time to actually read your profile, message you back and be humans instead of machines.

Most recent dating story, before Illinois went on a Shelter in Place – I went on a first date. To a dude’s house, where he offered pizza and a movie. Seems pretty harmless, right?

Absolutely not.

1. He was hesitant to give me his home address. Uh bruh, you invited ME over, not the other way around.
   
2. Being the Type-A Planner that I am, I texted him asking if I could bring anything? He mentioned having wine and other beverages and that I didn’t need to bring anything! He also mentioned cleaning up a bit for me – Cool!
3. I finally get to his house, and he walks me up to his place. It’s cute, except it wasn’t cleaned. The coffee table was overrun by books, the couch was taken up by what seemed to be a pile of laundry..and I felt so unwelcomed. Here’s what happened next:
   Me (M): ::takes coat off:: can I place my coat somewhere?
   Boy (B): ::shrugs his shoulder:: uhh, well I don’t have any hangers.. ::proceeds to open his coat closet to prove a point:: and tells me to put my coat on the most expensive piece of furniture in his house.
   M: So where did you want me to put my coat? Otherwise I can just wear it?
   B: Oh there are two orange stools behind my counter, they’re almost as expensive as my couch!
   M:: Oh really?  (They look like they’re from IKEA!)
   B: Begins to order pizza, asks me what I want. I said anything put pineapple. As we wait for pizza, he peruses movies and barely says anything to me for 20 minutes.
4. Pizza arrives, I still have not been asked if I want anything to drink. Not even water. He proceeds to the kitchen to grab plates and napkins, and comes back to the couch with ONE plate. That’s all he has.
5. After we finish eating, he finally scoots over by me and puts his arm around me. Cute, ok maybe I judged a bit harshly at first.
6. The reason he sits by me is to ask if I can scratch his back. Child, NO. So we continue watching the movie. I should have just left.

   Ok ok, I’m sure some of you are like – what’s the big deal?! He seemed nice, we got movie and a pizza. Maybe some minor missteps, but all workable with communication right?

   Here’s where I am:
   -He made me pay for half the pizza, even though I had two slices and he got to keep the left overs.
   -I am a #fatkid, who orders JUST pizza and no sides?
   -I had to ask for water, twice.
   -He chugged chocolate milk right after his pizza, made me feel like I was babysitting
   -Scratch your back buddy? In what right mind did you think that we had a vibe going on where you think I’d want to extend you this amazing courtesy. I save back scratches as signs of true love and/or affection.
   -He didn’t clean his place at all, which means he does not do what he says he is going to.
   -WHO HAS ONLY ONE PLATE, serial killers.

I swear my expectations aren’t that high, but I think this could be chalked up as one for the weird vibez.

He never texted me either, so clearly the feeling is mutual ❤

Home Alone

Oh hey I’m back! Like Overall shorts! Before we get back to my awe(ful)some dating adventures, I’ve been having some deeeeeeep thoughts about dating itself.

As I’m watching Home Alone to get into the holiday spirit, I’ve really been reflecting on how much buying a new home is similar in actions to dating.

Step 1: The excitement of shopping

Whether we have a realtor right off the bat, or use apps like Redfin or Zillow, you learn to shop for a home using specific values. I used an app to search via location, number of beds and baths, and laundry. Pretty basic, right? Then, I turned on my notifications to let me know whenever a new home was listed or if a price was changed, or any news that popped up in my area.

Side Note: I swear, looking at homes is kind of like a calming drug. As someone with a bit of anxiety and type-A tendencies, I found it very soothing.

….is it beginning to sound like dating to any of you?

We download dating apps, set specific parameters (ie. height, body type, do you drink?, location, gender, etc), and then SHOP. Swiping right and left is much similar to swiping through homes. We get excited when we have new chat or match notifications and surely know when one isn’t the right fit. All the while, in the back of our minds, is the word COMMITMENT.

Can I do this? For the next 30 years? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I can’t afford it? What if it has issues that I don’t know how to fix? What if it leaks, or cracks, or has vermin? I mean….RIGHT?

And everyone, that’s just step one.

Step 2: Planning the date

Time to actually go see the home: turn on the lights, open the windows, check out the neighborhood, check all the appliances. But before you can do all of that, you need to set up a date.

Date = time and place that works for both parties.

The only difference (sometimes) is that looking at a home requires more than 2 parties to confirm at times. But heyy, I don’t know what you’re into and I’m not judging!

Once you’re on the date, then you have to analyze the person. Do I like their hair? What about their outfits? Do they spit when they talk? Then slowly, COMMITMENT shows back up in the back of your head. Can I do this for the next 30 years?

Step 3: Decisions, Decisions.

Now is when you decide if you want to take the leap. Do we keep moving forward with all the paperwork, legalities and formalities of dating or do we keep shopping for homes?

What is CRAZY to me is that no one really prepares us for these big life decisions. The media tells us that we should be married by a certain age, have kids by a certain time and live in a very particular home. We all need to be educated that we are allowed to move at our own pace in big decisions. People buy homes after seeing them ONCE. That is complete insanity to me. How do you even really remember what it looks like or the size of the bedroom. Do you even have time to really look how your current life will fit into this already constructed home? Sure you can make changes to fit your vision, but the bones usually don’t change.

Then we look at dating, people are more cautious about dating than buying a home but we make pretty quick life decisions after meeting someone for the first time. Like a home, do you really have time to see how your current life fits with theirs? You may make small adjustments to their habits but overall the bones stay the same.

A lot of my time lately has been looking at homes, touring them, making fast decisions on the next 30ish years of my life that dating has taken quite a bit of a backseat. Plus, I was also in a relationship for a bit of time.  (Don’t worry, we will dive into that story later).

I don’t mean to dismiss the amount of effort it takes to buy a home, or the effort put into dating by any means. I just find it ironic how similar they feel.

Funnily enough, buying a home for me is way more exciting than dating has ever been. So cheers, to the next step! I close on December 27th and couldn’t be more frightened for my savings account, my life and the next steps. It’s the best feeling I’ve had in awhile. Maybe I’ll be Home Alone forever….

Until next time ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guess who’s back..back again?

Shady’s back, tell yo fraaansssss.

I took a brief hiatus from the dating app world because I thought I found a couple of winners. Boy, was I wrong.

Dude 1: Candelabra (name changed) was quite a cutie, who is a chef, liked to laugh and was a little charmer. I was like…ehhh wtf, let’s play. When we met, I had just started a new job  and a week in, was feeling a little stressed. We had planned to meet on a Thursday but Monday rolled around and I thought, let’s see if he might be down for a drink. HE WAS (YAASSS!). We chose a bar near me, Blue Line, and as soon as I walked in I knew he would be trouble…good or bad, that was still tbd.

As I sat down at the bar, I had noticed that there was a shot glass in front of him. I thought mayyybee it could be a leftover from the previous patron but my gut was telling me he needed it to calm him nerves. Whatever, sometimes I take a quick drink at home before a date. I looked past it and tried to find out more about him.

—-I should probably precursor this date a little bit, since we matched on Tinder, he could see our mutual friends. Homeboy is mutual friends with one of my closest friends’ sister, Furfur (name changed). I asked how they knew each other and he said they were “tight butthole” (whatever the fuck that means), and that they knew each other from way back. He apparently helped her purchase special beer for her boyfriend because the bf is a big craft beer fan. Candelabra also said he talked to Furfur on a regular basis. I immediately felt at ease because I knew I could ask my friend or Furfur about him later. We also had two other mutual friends, both sorority Sisters. This will be important later—-

As we sat there, all he kept talking about were the chefs and restaurant managers he was friends with. Impressive on a first date with me because let’s face it, I’M A FAT KID and food is definitely the way to my heart. After a couple of drinks, he took me to Furious Spoon where he knew the chef. We got some free noodles and ONE free beer (because he only got himself one), and then he ended up splitting it with me. I was kind of a bit weary at this point, don’t ask me why. Then we went to a couple more bars, drank, laughed, and got a littleeeee tipsy!

Then he walked me halfway home, and I jumped on him and kissed him. Kiss was meh, but that was fun. We ended up talking everyday for awhile until I asked him about Furfur again, and his story had changed. Now he had only met her once and they only talked a few times. Now, I bet you’re wondering if I asked Furfur about Candelabra.

 

Furfur said that he found her on LinkedIn, chatted on there a bit. She did ask him about beers for her boyfriend. He then friended her on Facebook and they have been friends ever since. They have NEVER met. She also says he has yellow fever….great. I hate that.

I confronted him again about it after hearing this side of the story and he changed his story a third time. “Oh yeah, we met on LinkedIn…or Facebook. I cant remember.” So of course I asked him how he knew my two Sorority Sisters. Apparently one, named Brown went to college with him (I don’t know if this is true or not, but Candelabra referenced her current boyfriend by full name, info that is not accessible on social media) and the other, named Shoey, said, “because he was mutual friends with Brown, I thought he was a friend of the sorority so I just accepted him. We’ve never talked, and never met.” When I asked Candelabra about Shoey, he said he met her on a college campus and they became friends……This is all getting really really shady.

On to date number 3: homeboy invited me over for some homecooked scallops. Score! I had just come over after a networking event where I was a liiitttllle drunk, and told him I was having fun with him (lies). He then started talking about eggs (because he couldn’t ever let the topic be about us or me), and how you’re supposed to add water to scrambled eggs if you want them fluffier. Cool story, bro. I already knew that. Upon me telling him that I knew about the fluffy egg trick, he grabbed a banana and said, “I know this is normally a 3 month salary but this is all I have….[got down on one knee] will you marry me?”

That’s a joke right? NOPE. He legit wanted to marry me. On numerous times (the month that we dated), he brought up marriage. Oh, and he offered me keys to his apartment. Dude, I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR MIDDLE NAME.

Part of me wishes this was just some made up story to entice you to come back and read about my satirical life, but this is real life folks.

I’m going to fast forward to three more important parts to why this wouldn’t have worked out. I realize that I should have run far, far away after the above happened but I am what you call an “emotional cutter,” where you enjoy opening emotional wounds to feel or deal with odd pain? I kind of like drama.

1/3: My birthday rolled around. I went out to dinner with my family and two of my best friends.Candelabra asked what time I was going to be done with dinner, and I said probably around 9-ish, but don’t wait for me. I will text you when I’m close to being done and we can meet up! No joke, 9:01p rolls around and homeboy is texting me asking where I am. DINNER, you douche. I wasn’t even looking at my phone, I was just enjoying my birthday dinner and then responded when I could. It turns out that he was waiting at a bar near my apartment for me. I finally stroll up to the bar at 10-10:15 and the first thing he says to me is, “there’s a group of bikers that wanted me to go with them but I said no because I said I would meet you here.” Joke? Nah. So I responded with, “you legit were considering leaving me for a group of bikers? Man, you should go then.” He laughed, and chucked…nah, I choose you. He was kind of drunk. So again, I asked him how he knew Shoey, and he finally said, he saw her on campus once, memorized her face and found her on Facebook (creepyyy). I was done, if he lies about how he knows people…what the hell else is he lying about? I walked outside, said I couldn’t do this anymore and walked away. About 3 minutes later, I hear heavyyyyy footsteps. Ugh, what?

2/3: He ran up to me with clunky, dramatic footsteps and out of breath said…”I….never…run…after….any….one.” Apparently you never run, at all. You’re out of breath with a 20 meter run…good lawd. “Can…we…please…..gasp…make…this…work. I just…..want…one….more…chance.” UGH, FINE. ONE MORE CHANCE. The next morning, I told him to leave and never talked to him again.

3/3: Sex. Yes, we had it…sort of. We were laying in his bed, and things started to get a little heated. We finally go to have sex, insert dick, and he just stopped. Started looking around and then laid on top of me. I asked if he came, and he said no. Then he pulled out, walked away…and I was like…WTF. That’s gotta make you feel insecure right? Apparently, he was thinking about his DUI while we were having sex.

There’s so many more stories, but I think this sufficiently explains why I decided to be get off the apps and be single for awhile.

Next up: Dude 2.

Stay tuned, dudes and dudettes ❤

Let’s play catch (up)

Holy batman, I’m super behind on my dating stories. I have plenty to catch y’all up with, and then I will write blogs more often for the dates that occured from November until now…sooo, for now, here are the updates on the men aforementioned in this blog.

CHUCK: dead. beyond dead. Soooo here’s how that all went down. Right around the end of  December, he randomly texted me and we chatted for a good half hour. Then he asked me out to drinks later that day. I ended up meeting up with him and his friend at a BBQ joint where they were prett tipsy from day drinking. We traveled to another bar, where more of his friends met up. We all were drinking and having a good time until people slowly started to trickle out. Chuck, his friend Tom and I went back to Chuck’s place to drink a bit and then went out dancing more. We had an amazing time and all Tom kept bringing up was how perfect we were together…and that Chuck had finally met his match. It made me sad to hear that because I really liked this kid. I wasn’t expecting a relationship, but I would have liked to hang out more frequently than we had in the past. Anyway, we finally all went back to Chuck’s house where I slept in his bed and Tom slept on the couch.

In the morning, Tom asked if we wanted to get brunch (hell yes!). We went out, ate like kings, Chuck paid for my breakfast and then Tom dropped us back off to Chuck’s place. I ended up hanging out at Chuck’s place all day, where we watched TV, napped, had the sexy time. It was amazing. I then left because I had to go to work. Then, just a couple days later we met up again for drinks with his buddies and he came home with me. That night, I asked if he wanted to be my date to a black tie gala the night before NYE. He excitedly agreed and I was pumped that we would finally have plans together that didn’t involve meeting each other at a dive bar. At last, the week of NYE rolls around and I asked him on Monday if we was still in to go to the gala and he said no. I should have known better….Until that night rolled around and he asked what I was doing. I said, “going to the ball I asked you to go to.” He said, “OH SHIT! Why didn’t you remind me?” I said, “I did.” To which he replied, “I blame traveling for the holidays but call me when you’re done tonight and we will hook up.” We ended up meeting up at a bar, and he invited me out for NYE plans. Whoa…I doubted it would go through but hey, I’m hopeful. We ended up going back to his place where I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to my phone ringing at 5:00am from my sister telling me that she just had her baby. I left Chuck’s house early and drove to Wisconsin with my dad. In the middle of the day, I texted Chuck asking what time the party was so I could be back in time…..

Chuck: “Oh yeah, about that. I just found out my ex is going to be there, and it would be weird if you came. I just don’t want to put up with that drama.”

Me (internally): “Oh, fuck off.”

And that’s been that.

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ROBINSON: So, Robinson was traveling back to Ohio for the holidays and was taking the train. I worked at a train station at the time,  so he asked if we could meet up for a drink. As I waited for him at the bar, I was slightly nervous as we didn’t necessarily end on the best of terms. As he walked up, I forgot how hot he was…woof. We ended up joking around as usual and he bought us a round of beers. As we chatted, he told me that he hadn’t dated anyone since me and isn’t really looking to date…interesting. We texted a bit, but that was it.

Until recently, he texted me asking for weed. Yeah….I don’t smoke.

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HARDING: We still chat, yep. I’m going to Austin, where he lives, and will be spending a night with him. Holler! We will see how that goes 😀

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Until next time ❤

Divorcee

I recently went on a date with a divorcee.

Now, I’m not passing judgment and we also had a really fun date but maaannn I was uncomfortable at times.

This fellas name is Jersey (name changed). Jersey ironically is from New Yawk, Manhattan specifically and was in Chicago for a landscaping conference…woooo, exciting stuff. We ended up matching on Tinder and chatted for a bit. Since he said he was from out of town, he wanted to spend his last night doing something fun and exploring the city a bit more. Sounds like fun to me 🙂 He asked to play darts at a bar that had Tito’s Vodka. I asked him to meet me at The Monarch.

Ps, The Monarch is adorable and their bartenders are hilarious!

He reminded me so much of my ex, Saba (real name). They are both a little nerdy but have cute faces. They make jokes that make you want to say, “awww..” and they both are passionate. We got a couple of drinks, chatted and I taught him how to play Cricket. I ended up winning (yay!) and we chatted about our jobs, families, and how he really enjoys the #RightSharkForYou. Ironically enough, my Instagram profile picture is me as the right shark in cartoon form. We got a good kick out of that. Finally, we started talking about Umami flavors and bone marrow (mmm), and mentioned there was a burger place called Umami Burger just up the road.

You bet your ass we went, and man we both almost died of pure bliss. If you have not been to Umami Burger, YOU MUST STOP WHAT YOU”RE DOING (after you’re finished reading, of course) AND GO THERE NOW! I got the Manly burger and wouldn’t ever kick it out of bed. We chatted some more and all I could hear was his bitter disdain for his ex-wife. Apparently they dated for 3-3.5 years and everything went great. They got along, wanted the same things out of life, had the same career and family goals. Everything went so well that he ended up moving to Tampa for her. Once he moved, they quickly got engaged and then married a year later. 6 months into the marriage, she just said she didn’t want it anymore and asked for a divorce. He didn’t have to say it, but he is still deeply in love with her and deeply hurt. What’s ironic is that I immediately thought of my most recent ex. She was deeply hurting after she broke up with me, and I didn’t understand it at the time but I get it now. Despite how much you love and care for someone, sometimes you just need to put yourself first.

I don’t think his ex broke up with him on a whim, I think this was building up and things were moving in a direction so quickly that she didn’t know how to break it off until it was too late. But again, I don’t know their entire situation and he seems like a really nice guy? Anyway, it was a good end to a Sunday night and I’m glad I met him. I hope he learns from this and then learns to let go.

Hair Flickeroo

Now this story, you will get a kick out of. Alan (real name) is a guy I met on OKC recently who has a cute face and dimples (sucker.). He is well traveled and is in Chicago getting his teaching certificate to help teach English in Ecuador. I was kind of excited to meet him…until we exchanged numbers and started texting.

This fool should have a job in HR because all he does is ask probing, interview-like questions or make terrible assumptions. I couldn’t just make a statement without the fifth degree. I’m actually regretting deleting our text convo because I can’t remember all the stupid questions he asked. However, I do remember calling him out, “You ask a lot of clarifying questions.” His response, “well I was a journalist so I ask questions.” Are you investigating me? Calm down, child.

Amongst all the texting, we were planning our date. He said he wasn’t from here, so I took the lead in the logistics.
I first asked if he was a beer or cocktail person. “Beer, definitely beer. I love beer.”
Then I asked if he liked to play bar games (it states clear as day in my profile that I would love to play darts, shuffleboard, bags or board games with someone): “I hope you don’t plan on winning shuffleboard, I will kick your ass.”
So therefore I planned for us to go to FatPour on Division, great craft beers and then to The Boundary to play shuffleboard. I forgot that the Bears game was on, so I walked into a pretty crowded bar. Luckily, FP has an awesome upstairs bar with no one at it. As I sat down and chatted with the bartender, Alan creeped up behind me. He didn’t say hi, he just stood awkwardly that I felt his presence and immediately felt uncomfortable. Then after I was done chatting with the bartender, I turned and said, OH HEY! He just smiled and sat down. Maybe he was just nervous? Who knows. The bartender returned shortly and asked what we wanted. I ordered a Porter and he ordered a….CIDER. So much for being a huge beer fan? Now, maybe he just had a big meal or wanted it to go with the chilly fall weather? I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

As we proceeded to chat, he is a mumbler. That doesn’t work for me because I’m half deaf and I make up words when I can’t hear yours, not good. He then proceeded to grab my thighs when talking to me or laughing…which would have been slightly endearing had he not been a creep who didn’t say hi earlier in the date. I had asked him a question about football, to which his response was to FLICK MY HAIR. Not like nicely move it aside, be pushed it like my hair was on fire and needed it away from my face immediately. How does one respond to such an action? I decided we needed a change of pace, stat. After we finished our drinks and halftime rolled around, we closed our tab and walked over to The Boundary. YES, SHUFFLEBOARD. I was hoping that this physical activity might make him come out of his shell more, or at the very least make things a little less awkward.

Welp, exactly the opposite happened.

We ordered drinks. Me: Titos soda with a lime. Alan: CHERRY CIDER. It’s a thing, ladies and gentlemen. I quickly grabbed the shuffleboard pucks and began set-up. All of a sudden, I hear a mumble…”can you remind me how to play again? how do you keep score? where do I stand? Where do I push them?” This is a joke right? You’re going to kick my ass at a game you’ve never played before?

So anyway, I teach him how to play and we begin the match. He is secretly laughing to himself and FLICKING MY HAIR STILL. Also, when it was my turn to push my puck…he didn’t move out of the way or give me room to play. I was so scared his boner bone was going to poke me out of no where. I also held onto my drink for dear life….no roofies for me. After two games, I was so uncomfortable that I used my lower back as an excuse to leave. I quickly gave him a thank you and a hug and peaced the EFF out of there.

He texted me once he got home asking if he could rub my back and help me feel better. No. Blocked, deleted. Death averted.